The first time I wore a bright blue-think Smurfette—party dress with giant puffed sleeve from Old Navy. It was my friend Elke’s 50th birthday party and she’d asked me to try a “tight five” of stand up. I’ve long been talking about doing stand up. Pretty regularly, I’m able to make friends and my kid pee their pants with laughter. Something I honestly live for, even though peeing one’s pants is a drag. Making people lose control with either laughter or orgasms is VERY FUN, and since I’ve given up sex, stand up is where it’s at.
It was a friendly crowd—all of Elke’s friends—some of whom I know, though none of them very well. I was opening for Meghan Shibona, another of Elke’s friends. Meghan and I are both exes of Jason, Elke’s current partner, and my dear friend, so that was a cute set up. Elke’s boyfriend’s exes do stand up for Elke. We’re all very close, in the beautiful ways of chosen families.
I definitely thought I would bomb. But I’ve bombed readings and major life events before, and for much longer periods of time than five minutes, so I figured I’d live through it. Meghan gave me some much needed pointers—hold the mic, leave the mic stand behind, engage the audience. My memory and eye sight are garbage lately, so I’d written my jokes in large marker print on colored sheets of paper and labeled the back for the audience to read. “JOKES 2023.” That got a laugh. Most of what I said got a laugh because I made a lot of jokes about being bisexual (ALWAYS A BIG JOKE) and also my Instagram ads, which are cruelty incarnate, like Hey you fat, depressed bitch, do you want to buy this giant underwear. Can’t get out of bed, try these off brand poppers for not having sex, but er, getting out of bed.
Mostly, when I stepped out to the mic (and promptly took it out of the mic stand to wander/menace the front row (thank you Meghan), I felt more at home than I have ever maybe felt ever. Like it was comfy up there, like my worried, harried brain, kind of shut off, and I was in the so-called magical flow state. I love going meta on how things are going and I like chatting with audiences, strangers, kids, cats, and I think those are usefull skills in stand up. Again, very nice crowd!
The second time, Meghan, Jason, Elke, and I decided to produce a comedy show. We had comics send in clips and it was open to the public. We’re very lucky to have the space the Jason and Elke created called Delight Factory, where J and E encouraged us to play, make mistakes, and try out new stuff. The line up included Meghan and me, and three other amazing comics, Pap Kebe, Esther Chen, and Kiera Moran. Everyone was funny, and each in different ways. Excellent curation Meghan!
I wore a white and black patterned dress from Old Navy (I’m broke and yeah, I like their dresses because many sizes). I got a lot of laughs this time too, making fun of my recent break up, in the persona of a woman who thinks her partner was actually amazing, when they kinda were not in many ways. I like this rube persona, and I’ve long trotted it her out at parties and in life whenever I feel I don’t belong somewhere or just want to make fun of something pretentious or stupid.
Playing dumb when you’re really smart is a fun game. How else to survive the patriarchy and/or academia? Oh the renaissance, never heard of it! Do tell. Now what does AI stand for again, big science man? Oh you find me irrational, well let me show you how rational I can be, insert something absurd like Did you know bunnies don’t actually like hot chocolate. Anxiety isn’t real you say, please go on fine sir.
Interlude: I want you to know that I’m typing this in my bra and flannel leggings, because the top of my body is hot and the bottom is cold. Oh menopause, your gifts are a bounty.
The second time I was a bit less funny, but I learned more, and that for me is always a hot ticket. Can I learn something while being entertaining? Perhaps its cliche and a bunch of really amazing stand up comedians have said this thousands of time, but I like the feeling of being able to say some of the most awful things up there, but in a funny way. I can be my grossest, darkest self doing stand up, and as long as the gross and dark gets laughs, it’s working. Also, the payoff is real and in person.
For someone who writes things that take a long time to get to readers. Yes, I’m talking about my books and essays, it’s such a thrill to think of some silly thing, record it into your phone, turn it into a joke BY WRITING IT DOWN, and then say it on stage. Even a few giggles feels awesome. Yes, it’s also probably true that a lot funny people have had traumatizing childhoods or had to perform to be loved. Check mark and check mark.
Or do I mean check mate? No, I don’t.
Also, I like fine-tuning the joke on the sentence level. Cutting, cutting, cutting, finding the perfect verb or switching the parts of speech around. I love getting the timing right, pausing when folks are laughing, and making faces. I am person who is pretty much always making faces (this may be part of my neuro stuff), but I have a lot of weird faces and voices and now there can be a home for them. Puppets too. I will maybe get some of my puppets in on my act.
Interlude: I’ve now started to jiggle my boobs in this too small bra to try to get my brain working so I can finish this substack. Thanks menopause for making my boobs bigger and my will lesser.
So I plan to do more stand up. I know I will really bomb at some point in a hugely not fun way. I am prepared for a heckler to call me fat, ugly, and old or whatever terrible thought I’ve cooked up for my self that day, but I also kinda want a heckler so we can spar while I have the mic and spotlight and he has not those things and I can win. I’m pretty good in a fight, if I keep my cool. Big IF, says everyone who knows me.
Oh, and though my colored paper getting thrown up in the air and sailing around above me as each joke lands or fails is a not bad gimmic, I want to get comfortable enough on stage to work without notes and really settle into telling a story, mistakes and all. Pap Kebe, one of my fellow comics, gave me four good pieces of advice.
Sadly, I can only remember two, but they were: Have fun and fuck your jokes. Fuck your jokes is the one I love the most, like the jokes don’t matter, you don’t need to write them down, what’s important is the connection to the audience and the jokes will come or not.
Okay, that’s all I got. Enjoy the typos!
Carley
I hope I get to see you perform! An old student of mine who I follow on IG is now doing stand up. I think she's 19 and you may have taught her too. How brave!
As always, I love and marvel at your ability to know yourself and reveal yourself unapologetically while cracking us up, and now live and direct! I can’t wait for the next one. 💜