Living with Depression

I'm not crying, you're crying!

Photo by Roberto Sorin on Unsplash

Even if you don’t read the whole post, please heart at the bottom, share the post, and re-stack passages. It helps so much and makes me feel like what I’m doing here has some value.

So I talked a big game about not having to take on extra work this summer, but money I’d been counting on fell through and/or has been late, my raise doesn’t actually start until September, and let’s be honest, I’m in a debt hole I may never get out of. All of this to say, I’m looking to take on a few Writing Boss clients ASAP.

As a writing boss, I can do many things. I help you write and keep you writing. I create special prompts and homework assignments just for you and your project. I read what you’ve written between sessions and give you feedback. I also help with the emotional parts of the writing process, getting you and the difficult parts of your brain out of the way, so the non-difficult parts can do what they want and create. Lastly, I do manuscript consultations, edit query letters, and help with pretty much any piece of writing. I work with academics, creative writers, non-writers, and sometimes visual artists, and I work in all genres. I have discounted price packages and also work a la carte (like just one session or two sessions).

DM me here or on my website to get started and/or to find out more. To start, I offer a free 15 minute zoom to talk about your project, what you need, what I can offer, and how we might best work together. There is no obligation to work with me after the free zoom.

If you don’t need a writing boss, and want to throw a little cash my way right now, subscribe! It’s really cheap for a year! Or you pay me monthly! Or you can buy me a coffee or tip me!

I won’t use it for an actual coffee out in the world like at a cafe because I can only drink one coffee a day and I make it at home because I want Republicans to know that even if you don’t buy coffee every day at an fancy coffee place, YOU CAN STILL BE BROKE.

Now Onto the Post

I have a mess of post-its under my laptop stand with various ideas for Substacks and essays to be published in other places, and this topic isn’t on any of them. But fuck it, it’s Cancer Season and I am kinda if not wholly depressed.

But why? Or more interestingly, what’s it like living with depression? And what is your (yes, you my reader) depression like and how do you deal with it, kick it in the teeth, feel it, medicate it, and/or deny that it’s real? All answers welcome.

I’m going to try to make this fun, I swear.

Can I do this? I’m not sure.

I’m not depressed all of the time, but when I get depressed sometimes it’s hard to get out of it. My brain can get into these loops of thought that I’m not always aware of or don’t recognize as depressive thoughts until someone, usually a close friend or a therapist points that out. Some of my particular brain’s loops are:

You’re going to die of loneliness and/or you’re going to die alone in your dirty two room apartment and no one will even know you’re dead.

You think you’re cute, but you’re not.

You are used for sex, but not wanted for love.

You’re unfit for romantic love.

You always find the worst people and/or abusive people find you because they can see you are damaged.

You’re a failure at INSERT VALUED THING writing, publishing, teaching, loving.

You’re not capable of falling in love.

You’re so traumatized, you can’t be in a relationship.

Your bio family sucks.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

I put this cutie in here to break up the sadness. His name is Toshi the pug and he has a scarf.

Are you really queer? Are you queer enough? Let’s just give up and be straight again! But straight cis men can be the absolute worst, so now what? You came out too late, and missed out on all of the queers your age.

You’re the oldest person here.

You should do this INSERT TASK today, but you don’t, why?

Let’s run away. Let’s get out of here.

I don’t want to do this, why do I have to do this.

You’re a whore.

You’re fatter than you think you are.

You have so many medical problems, you’ll never feel better.

This country is fascist and we can’t stop it.

Okay, woah there, that’ll do. Gosh, our brains can be so mean to us. I very much hope your brain is not shit-talking you all of the time, like mine is when I’m depressed, but if it is, please feel free to share some of your brain’s shit talking in the comments.

Some stuff that has set me off this Cancer season (because there are very real reasons to be depressed these days): a break-up from five months ago that I mostly am over, but sometimes still gets me down because I had absolutely no idea it was coming and it made me feel delusional when it happened, my one and only kid is going to college in less than three weeks and I’m going to miss her so much I’m not sure how I’ll deal, Trump, ICE murders, ICE detention centers, AIPAC, the on-going genocide in Palestine and now Lebanon, dating, rapists, turning 54, my parents and brother, and my aging body.

Some stuff that is helping me and I believe will only help us and/or me more and more: SSRIs (no I don’t want to be on them forever, but so what if I am, they have legitimately saved my life so fuck you RFK), my friends (though I’m going through some real avoidance lately, sorry guys), techno music and dance music in general, going to movies, riding my bike, lifting weights, 70 degree days, activities involving people I don’t know but am curious about, my union, my union comrades, reading books, going to bookstores, water (I still haven’t been to the beach this summer, why, depression I guess), masturbation (treating myself like I would a partner, like make it sexy and nice), Mamdani and more DSA victories, getting off of Instagram, staying off of dating apps, getting a dumb phone or treating my phone like an old rotary phone (I got this idea from this person and I’m trying to link to a gift article here), joining a bocce club, this new interesting phase of my life, and EMDR.

So yeah, I started EMDR and have a person who takes my insurance and knows what she’s doing. She’s a kind, beautiful fairy of rapid eye movements, who kinda looks like Emma Roberts, and is super smart. As you can see from above, I have a lot of bad thoughts swirling around in my brain sometimes, and a lot of traumatic memories that have gotten “stuck” in one place and need to be re-processed. Going back into the trauma isn’t easy, but having re-processed one traumatic memory, I can already say that it’s helpful. That memory doesn’t make me angry and distressed anymore. I can see it now for what it was, and I have a different story about it, one that is positive. There are more memories to re-process (and I think beginning this work is part of my depression because it’s not easy), but I finally feel there’s a way out of these loops.

Hope, I guess it what I’m talking about. The possibility of change.

I don’t think I made this post fun, but I hope I made it real. I’m sure I’m going to have some shame and regret for a few hours after publishing this, but I’m going to try to get through it and keep the post up. Your feedback is always helpful in getting past these feelings. As is time and just not giving a shit anymore.

Enjoy the typos!

xo

Carley