BEST holiday advice ever! Your list is a gift to share!! I’ve come to many similar conclusions, painfully and slowly. I wish I’d read something like this years ago. The only thing I can think of adding is for parents who may have grown children. I’m trying to share these permissions with my daughter as she builds a life with her girlfriend. Subtle judgments or assumptions can unknowingly happen, so I try to be mindful and open to correcting myself. There’s so much stress and crap to deal with in life. I don’t want to add that to anyone’s plate, especially around the holidays when everything can feel like too much.
And yes to leaving the tree up! I’ve been leaving it up until Valentine’s Day. I like it more after the holidays than before.
Thank you for commenting and sharing! I think you’re totally right about passing this onto our daughters. I don’t want mine to feel like she has to visit me on holidays or to add more guilt to her life either!
That divorced parent guilt and comparisons to others (your ex, kid’s friend’s parents, your cousins and their families, etc) can be crippling.
I’ve been on the family holiday divestment track since my kid was born. It became very easy once it clicked that the not safe people in my family who i’d learned to disassociate around or artfully dodge, still were not safe. I could not and would not let them around my sweet baby. I was able to set a boundary on her behalf that I could not set for myself. Since then, it’s been real easy to decline invitations to be in a room with actively unwell, dysregulated, racist, drunk, perverts.
Glad you and your kid were able to enjoy some rad new ways to celebrate. Popeyes and scary movies with treasured buds! That sounds perfect.
You’re right, I think the divorced parent guilt is always there for me somewhere even though I know it’s all for the best.
Kudos for leaving those racist dysregulated pervs behind. I tried to have my kid in my family’s life for a while but it got too toxic and yeah I saw them starting to try the same shit on her they used on me and I had to protect her and stop seeing them too. I’m proud of us Kristin 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you for all of this, Carley! My spouse is better than I am at saying no to social invitations and he did that this break. It is a muscle we have to use. Love you! Merry Xmas! Happy New Year ❤️
It’s tricky because sometimes we really want to go lol, but mostly if I’m not into it or too tired I won’t have fun. But yes, saying no is def a muscle. Love you! Miss you! Happy New Year! 🥳🥳🥳
Someone we both love said to pay attention to how people act when they’re around you and not so much what they say (my dad says he wants to see me but I clearly make him angry). That advice has helped me a lot! Love you Elke 🌺🎀🌺🎀
In the past I've got to extraordinary lengths to spend time with family (and make sure my child spent time w extended family), and this year we just chilled here and it's been kinda...great? I actually spend more 1:1 time with my child this way, which has been great. We went to the Barbie exhibit at the design museum and had a long lunch together, which is the kind of luxurious day together that's hard to do during non-holiday times. Thx for this, I felt v seen!
I don't have a family to go home to, which is a bit sad, but also depending on what you compare it with, right? It can also very calm and comfortable to be a small family, or as I have mostly friends as my chosen family, it´s so more flexible... I think your list is very good recipe for how to deal with any co-dependency, it's not wrong (as we often are shamed for it, this is hard to discover) - to set oneself first, one's health. The divorced guilt I have big time. They don´t have their dad in there life which means I have doubled up on presents - wow, no, this can not go on! Good luck to us now with the rest of the year :)
BEST holiday advice ever! Your list is a gift to share!! I’ve come to many similar conclusions, painfully and slowly. I wish I’d read something like this years ago. The only thing I can think of adding is for parents who may have grown children. I’m trying to share these permissions with my daughter as she builds a life with her girlfriend. Subtle judgments or assumptions can unknowingly happen, so I try to be mindful and open to correcting myself. There’s so much stress and crap to deal with in life. I don’t want to add that to anyone’s plate, especially around the holidays when everything can feel like too much.
And yes to leaving the tree up! I’ve been leaving it up until Valentine’s Day. I like it more after the holidays than before.
Thank you for commenting and sharing! I think you’re totally right about passing this onto our daughters. I don’t want mine to feel like she has to visit me on holidays or to add more guilt to her life either!
That divorced parent guilt and comparisons to others (your ex, kid’s friend’s parents, your cousins and their families, etc) can be crippling.
I’ve been on the family holiday divestment track since my kid was born. It became very easy once it clicked that the not safe people in my family who i’d learned to disassociate around or artfully dodge, still were not safe. I could not and would not let them around my sweet baby. I was able to set a boundary on her behalf that I could not set for myself. Since then, it’s been real easy to decline invitations to be in a room with actively unwell, dysregulated, racist, drunk, perverts.
Glad you and your kid were able to enjoy some rad new ways to celebrate. Popeyes and scary movies with treasured buds! That sounds perfect.
You’re right, I think the divorced parent guilt is always there for me somewhere even though I know it’s all for the best.
Kudos for leaving those racist dysregulated pervs behind. I tried to have my kid in my family’s life for a while but it got too toxic and yeah I saw them starting to try the same shit on her they used on me and I had to protect her and stop seeing them too. I’m proud of us Kristin 🩷🩷🩷
thanks homie!
Thank you for all of this, Carley! My spouse is better than I am at saying no to social invitations and he did that this break. It is a muscle we have to use. Love you! Merry Xmas! Happy New Year ❤️
It’s tricky because sometimes we really want to go lol, but mostly if I’m not into it or too tired I won’t have fun. But yes, saying no is def a muscle. Love you! Miss you! Happy New Year! 🥳🥳🥳
Love love love this! Thank you!
I only recently started reducing family time and it feels like everyone is happier that way, though I don’t confirm if it’s true.
Someone we both love said to pay attention to how people act when they’re around you and not so much what they say (my dad says he wants to see me but I clearly make him angry). That advice has helped me a lot! Love you Elke 🌺🎀🌺🎀
I loved this. I think you’re so right about spending time just w your kid!
Our just the two of us time has become very special to both of us! Thanks for reading and commenting Lane! ⭐️🩷⭐️🩷
In the past I've got to extraordinary lengths to spend time with family (and make sure my child spent time w extended family), and this year we just chilled here and it's been kinda...great? I actually spend more 1:1 time with my child this way, which has been great. We went to the Barbie exhibit at the design museum and had a long lunch together, which is the kind of luxurious day together that's hard to do during non-holiday times. Thx for this, I felt v seen!
Yeah not going to visit relatives opens up some new possibilities! Your day together sounds amazing!
I don't have a family to go home to, which is a bit sad, but also depending on what you compare it with, right? It can also very calm and comfortable to be a small family, or as I have mostly friends as my chosen family, it´s so more flexible... I think your list is very good recipe for how to deal with any co-dependency, it's not wrong (as we often are shamed for it, this is hard to discover) - to set oneself first, one's health. The divorced guilt I have big time. They don´t have their dad in there life which means I have doubled up on presents - wow, no, this can not go on! Good luck to us now with the rest of the year :)
The gaudy gay tree!! Yes to all of this 🎄🎄🎄